Updated: Sep 13, 2021
We put so much effort into fearing abandonment from others, that we fail to notice the multitude of ways that we are abandoning ourselves."
This Blog may trigger some of your childhood wounding, so please continue reading if you know its time for you to release and heal.
Whether someone dies or chooses to end a relationship, loss, hurts, betrayals all can leave us feeling abandoned and potentially leave deep wounds and scars.
I recently read that when the abandonment issues from our past are triggered in the present.
We may go into fight mode or flight mode.
I experienced a great deal of loss early in my life and it created issues around abandonment, trust, and insecurity.
My constant question was will anyone ever be honest with me? Was anyone ever going to genuinely love me and stick around? Will anyone love me and own me?
As I progressed into my teenage years and early twenties, I was looking for love and security anywhere I could find it. When I did find it, I tried to hold on way too tightly, so tightly that I often lost what I had.
After my teenage years, I continued looking for love, for security and for someone who would be open and honest with me; someone I could trust 100 percent. I wanted someone who would put me first.
I was looking for someone who would finally prove to me that I was lovable and worth fighting and sticking around for.
Over and over again, I looked outside of myself instead of learning how to find the love and security I so desperately wanted within myself.
All the loss and deception I experienced early on in life has created various fears, fears I now know I’ve created. A fear of being alone (which is why I’ve gone from relationship to relationship), a fear of not being enough, a fear that someone is going to leave me again, a fear that people are not going to be honest with me and eventually leave.
Some of the common traits seen are more than losing love its loosing yourself because of a childhood that is no fault of your own.
Many of us think of abandonment in the physical sense, loss of someone through death, divorce, or enforced separation.
However, most of us don’t experience this kind of physical abandonment in childhood instead we grow up with both parents or raised by a single parent or grandparents.
The kind of abandonment which is far more common and far less easy to recognize is emotional abandonment.
Some parents are too self-absorbed to rear children well and pay more attention to their own needs than those of their offspring. Sadly, there are all sorts of (unacceptable) reasons for parents to emotionally abandon their children.
you were often emotionally abandoned as a child, any physical or psychological rejection or withdrawal ynomtrigger food abuse: being blown off by a date, a job loss, a relationship ending, not receiving the promotion you expected, having your friends go partying without you etc.
Note : Sometime we may question our parents or we may try to look for answer within.
Why weren't they available for us? Why didn't they address our emotional sensitivity ? Why didn't they accept us for who we are and made our transition easy? Why are they still not acceptable of us ? When will they ever change? Will they ever change ? What more i have to do in order to feel loved by them ? What will happen if you leave them as the way they did ? Will they ever acknowledge their mistakes ? Will you be ever able to forgive them ?
Please Don't get trapped in asking such question this may not help you in your current situation. Your relationship with you parents from your childhood had more to do with them and the way they were brought up in their childhood. Reflect on their life and you will find out that they did exactly the same to you because they were treated similarly during their childhood. Again its does not give them a reason to do the same to you. Infact things should have been different. Remember this is not a subject for blame game.
Its a cycle and a endless pattern of abandonment but this can end here right now with you.
Please understand we are addressing our childhood issue, this is possibly the time when all the issue in our life started specially concerning your gender identity as through my journey i have witnessed this was a crucial time when we realized we are a soul trapped in a different Body.
That itself was a Bit overwhelming although we still try to hold on too few beautiful memories we may have witnessed in the childhood there is a major part of us that wants to completely discard that chapter.
Your not a prisoner of time anymore . You can still relive your childhood by Living the Best possible Life right now.
We all have our own experiences in life and our own stories.
The important thing is what we do with them. Do we take them and learn from them, or do we take any gut-wrenching experiences we’ve been through and play the victim, wanting others to feel sorry for us?
I will admit, I did play the victim for many years and I wanted anyone and everyone to feel sorry for me. Many people told me that I was a strong person despite everything I had been through, but it took me many years to see that for myself.
I’ve been taking a deeper look at my life and the things I’ve been through, specifically when it comes to love and relationships. I’ve come to realize that I have attracted the same type of emotionally unavailable women many times. I believe this is based on the initial abandonment by my parents who couldn’t seem to be emotionally available. They lacked empathy and compassion and didn’t knew how to be there when I was truly struggling. Much like my parents.
There are a thousand ways you can feel emotionally abandoned, all of which may seem trivial to someone else, but feel deeply wounding to you. You may be acutely sensitive to slights and may feel neglected or invisible when people are inattentive or simply unable to give you what you need in attention, time, or support.
Because abandonment is a major issue for many of us, we need to learn how to deal with feeling upset when folks leave us physically or aren’t there for us emotionally.
Start out by exploring how you developed into a person who is acutely distressed by abandonment, including your expectations and innate or learned ability to cope.
This are some after effects of abandonment that you may have faced or are currently facing.
Hiding your true identity
Not acting according to your values
Not standing up for yourself
Self criticism and judgments
Not honouring your needs
Suppressing your feelings
I am aware that as you are in a transition and in a need of constant approval from other and that most of this feelings had been a part of your journey and most of them might have grown deeper over time because you never could take time off from your transition to pause, reflect and contemplate.
I get it . Its okay you were busy but what is not acceptable is you stay trapped in this feelings even after you know letting them go will be so refreshing and enlightening.
You don't have to stay in this comfort zone and feel trapped. It can he changed and the one who can break this trend is YOU. Don't tell me you tried and your tired and nothing seems to change.
Well than my dear you tried to amend it for others this time do it for YOURSELF.
Examine your beliefs about what abandonment means to you. Then spend time reframing your beliefs and strategizing about what you can do other than abuse food or yourself .When these intense emotions flare up. Do this.
Make 5 priorities for next 6 months.
3 - That's are tangible e.g.. New job, new house, new car, driving license, you surgeries etc.
( please focus on your priorities and not other )
2 - that are for emotional wellbeing eg. meditation, yoga, gym, listening to music, traveling, salt water bath, writing a journal, taking a break from friends and parties, social detox etc.
This is exactly what I am currently working on. Healing those childhood scars, learning to love myself, realizing that I am enough and that I deserve so much more than I’ve experienced up until now.
I know that I deserve honesty and respect, care and compassion, and a women who makes me a priority in her life. Where we become a contribution towards each other.
Although part of me wishes I could have figured things out a long time ago, I believe everything happens when it is meant to, and I am okay with that.
We all learn the lessons we need to learn at different paces. It may be a long road or it may be a short one. It may be easy or it may be hard.
One thing I can assure you of based on my own personal experience: the Universe will continue to provide the opportunity to learn the lessons you need to learn, until you finally come to that moment of clarity. A moment where it all becomes crystal clear like a lake on a still, quiet day. A day when you have an awakening and can finally begin to move forward.
So, if you’ve been struggling with something that seems to be repeating itself in your life, take a look at what you’ve been through and see if you can find a cycle or a pattern there.
Try to step outside the emotions of your current situation and see the deeper work you need to do to truly heal so you can create change in your life. That might mean healing from early abandonment, like me, so you stop choosing people who will reject you. Or it may mean recognizing your worth as a person so you stop sabotaging yourself. Whatever your pattern, there’s one constant: you.
The first step is to acknowledge that, self-awareness is truly key!
Then dig down and find your strength; it’s in there! Make a decision that you are going to learn your lessons, break that pattern, and find true happiness in your life.
We all deserve that!
Remember : you may encounter people with similar abandonment issue so do not judge them ...look behind the scenes...look for the reason and try to understand their childhood ..may be you both can heal each other together ...and break those toxic patterns together . It can be a friend , a family member or your love interest .
Always remember everyone had a childhood and a story of their own that means your parents too had something unhealed of their own....if you can help and heal them fine. If you think they need more time than you must pursue your journey.... or simple share this Blog with your parents or friends. i truly hope that it will help everyone who reads this Blog and makes amends to change for good.
It takes time to heal .. Be Patient ..
Forgive yourself and others for the things they did or for the things the did not do right.
Be Kind and Respect .
I sincerely hope you heal your childhood soon.
Sending Much Love