Let's Chase Long Term.
Updated: Dec 4, 2021
As a Trans man, I had my share of feeling lonely, wanting a partner, and a strong desire for intimacy, etc.
But After a few failed relationships.
I asked myself "what was it that I truly wanted for me in the long run?"
This awakening and realization were only after I took a brief amount of time out for myself and stayed single for a while. I was in a toxic cycle, a pattern that kept me in a loop of codependency always wanting someone by my side as a partner to complete me and not make me feel alone anymore...
Remember People are not toxic ...But the unhealthy pattern of unhealed cycles is.
I learned that We need to work on ourselves first, heal our wounds, and change in one or more ways so we can fix what's broken inside and later connect with someone and extend our peace.
I Believe in a long-term committed relationship that leads to marriage or something more stable and long-term. So if you think any different from my point of view that's okay.
Keep reading and explore the opportunity ...maybe this blog can open up a whole new possibility for you.
Online Dating may or may not get you a soul mate kind of relationship only 2% of the online dating in the world does work. Said that I have known people who found their better half on a dating site and they are both really happy but the odds are very minimal that it will happen with you because the number of scams on these online dating sites is increasing enormously plus people want to explore their sexual preferences and play around with a Trans individual emotionally hoping to get some physical or financial benefit or would simply waste your valuable time.
You are not a toy or an experimental project.
You already know what's best for you. Simply take out some quality time with yourself and write down the things you wish to have in your partner and stick to that list please do not compromise on your worth.
So to stay realistic and make you succeed these are the few points I am a strong believer of in finding your true soulmate and ways that may work for you.
Friendly Advice: if you have no other option other than online dating then please, next time when you are up on a dating site please look for a Trans Man or a Trans women based on your preferences (eg. straight, gay, lesbian, bisexual, Asexual, etc.) or go around your Trans community or LGBT+ centers. They are all there waiting for love and affection
Look up and support each other. I have nothing against CIS genders that might have worked for some Trans folks and that is again your choice who you prefer and what you prefer.
My point is if your someone who has failed multiple times dating a CIS Gender and blamed yourself for not being accepted for who you are or who you were .. then my dear you're looking up for LOVE at the wrong places and trying to get approvals for your identity from the wrong people.
Open up the pool of possibilities there are people within the Trans Community that you can be in a relationship with.
So the question is CAN A TRANS MAN AND TRANS WOMEN MAKE A GREAT COUPLE?
Well in simple words ..YES
Although as two individuals there might be a small difference in opinions, commitment issues, trust issues, insecurities, etc mostly things that can be a concern in any kind of relationship.
BUT I can assure you based on my personal experience and being in Relations with a Trans Women that you being in a relationship with a Trans person who is in a transition just like you will be worth it, uplifting, easier, and happier.
My personal decision is if I ever plan to settle in and Marry then.I will only Marry a Trans Women.
Because This was the best relationship I ever had. we mutually decide to take a realistic approach and meet first as the long-distance was taking a troll on both of us. we are still holding strong together as friends and wishing the best for each other, making sure we are still in touch and assisting each other with our surgeries and personal life, etc.
This is the kind of connection i wish for you all and felt the need to share my experience through this blog.
You can accomplish a lot more together than any other relationship that because you may become Best friends trying to get to know someone who is currently in a transitioning.
How Is dating a Trans person any different ?
First lets look at what are the key characteristic for any successful long term relationship and how is dating a Trans Individual in transitioning along with you makes the difference ?
I believe there are 7 unique yet essential elements .These elements, more than any other benefit, may be what some Trans folks are seeking—and waiting for.
1.CONNECTION / COMMUNICATION
Most of us want to connect with others in some way.A listening ear, validation, empathy, sharing, and understanding can all be elements of a healthy connection.
What better connection is available other than someone you can relate to ,be transparent and open up about your transition with. From your childhood wounding to your current situation , abandonment issue, you may have so much hidden deep down for years ...and now finally you and your new Trans Buddy can share and express that together.
We dwelled for years for a fellow friend and a family member who can hear and understand our need for our transition we have wasted several years and energy to get the approval from other and finally if we can have a partner in our life were we can be there for them as much as they can be there for you and having no need for once to explain ourselves, our identity and willingness for change.
Imagine!!! What a relief that will be ? ..just by being in relationship with a person who is in a transition can ease so many emotional baggage that you have been carry on for so many years... Just for once this struggle will be so much more at ease that you dont need anyone approval anymore. Life will never be lonely again.
Most people immediately relate intimacy to sex, when actually, having sex can serve as a way of avoiding intimacy. The most important elements of intimacy are openness and honesty, both of which may require the sharing of things that one is ashamed of. Yet being able to be vulnerable to a partner is the very ingredient that makes the act of sex one of such supreme closeness and, well, intimacy.
Intimacy / Sexualness has been a major concern in the Transition of mostly every Trans individual because it sometimes directly relates to your gender and what you choose to be identified as.
I know i have been holding on to the though of being physical intimate in my right body with my partner for years. Intimacy that will truly identify me that is also one of the reason i opted for Phalloplasty.
Just like me if your to choose to do your surgery or live in the same body without any surgery. You and your partner can share the scars and insecurities of your body without been judged or questioned. The post surgery trauma the acceptance of the new body will not be an issue at all as both would carry those bold scars on your body and respect the body and its outcome gracefully.
Our surgical process is now so advance and well done but the mental and emotional stress we go through to open up our intimate side and to be sexual active Is always being a though thats depressing.
When in a relationship with someone you share a Transition with you will know there is nothing to hide, to be insecure or not be comfortable with ...the scars on your body your surgery and its after effects will be so common to share. It is ease for both of you to amend to your new body together.
3.FAMILY / SOCIETY - COMING OUT
You may or may not yet have made a decision to come out with your identity with your close family and friends and Thats completely fine.
But if you ever choose to do so you know that being in relations with another Trans Individual will help you receive the support and mental assistance that you need the most to do so if ever your choose to come out.
And if you both choose to stay stealth or either of you has come out and one is not willing to or ready yet that great too because you both know the reality and that the only things that will matter the world and those long looks from some unknown strange people at the mall and market will not make you uncomfortable anymore and you will be holding hand walking on confidently with the one who knows and loves you for who you are. Not worried what the world have to say and there will be no need to hide from anyone anymore.
And if you both have already come out to the world ... that is great too...because now the close family and friend know and they have faced the same battle coming out as you have ..so you both dont need any more approvals ..you both overcame the same emotional and mental baggage of coming out and living your true authentic self. Now no one will have the power over you or your decision of coming out.
You two Love Birds are now free to take a leap of faith in the unknown. With much more assurance that life from here will be less struggle and more accepting of oneself.
Families can sometime add to the social societies norms too . Specially if you come from a closed off cultural country like mine thats - India. Luckily my family is pretty cool and supportive about my transition and my decision to date and marry a Trans women. Not everyone can get support and understanding i am Blessed to be born in this family and i am glad my family will extend the same respect and acceptance towards my partner too.
The society and cultural pressure on a women to bear a child and a man to be fertile as hell is no more a burden while dating a Trans individual as both the families and the partners are aware that they can choose to adopt or opt for surrogacy if they ever wish to start a family.
Your identity will be never judged on the number of sperm count or having a uterus or not.
Your future and the possibility to start a family will be easy and on mutual understanding and not based on stupid orthodox society needs.
4.HUMILITY / PATIENCE / FORGIVENESS / TIME
We all have weaknesses and relationships always reveal these faults quicker than anything else on earth.
An essential building block of a relationship is the ability to admit that you are not perfect, that you will make mistakes, and that you will need forgiveness. Holding an attitude of superiority over your partner will bring about resentment and will prevent your relationship from moving forward..
Because no one is perfect, patience and forgiveness will always be required in a marriage relationship. Successful marriage partners learn to show unending patience and forgiveness to their partner. They humbly admit their own faults and do not expect perfection from their partner. They do not bring up past errors in an effort to hold their partner hostage.
And they do not seek to make amends or get revenge when mistakes occur. If you are holding onto a past hurt from your partner, forgive him or her. It will set your heart and relationship free.
We tend to project our past experiences and hurt people who come forth and express their love and compassion this does happen the most with a Trans individual because there are not in the receiving end on love, understanding support, help etc.
The outburst is we end up not trusting anyone or donnot believe in the promises , words and love that our partner is willing to give up because we have never received it we had to wait , pray , ask or simple beg for it.
When in relationship with a Trans person and working on a long term goal like marriage you will come across such similar situation were you both may not believe this to be true that now for sure there wont be any abandonment and no one will leave.
Emotional Baggage's and the capacity of handling them while dating a Trans folk may be low but the projection of what if , will they and the horrifying though of betrayal is still there. Some emotions will play a major role in my case my relationship were all based on co-dependency , and the girl i dated was what i clearly saw had abandonment issue from their childhood...
I kept getting into cycle of toxic and endless dramatic relationship because i had never worked on my self esteem and self respect ever..
Similarly the Beautiful Trans girl i dated had her share to work on like self-love, being Independent, Not to be a people pleaser or seek approvals from others, lack of decision making power etc.
Our childhood can trigger a lot of who we are right now and a unhealed wounds can get worst by years of abandonment...
When you heal what broke you, you will have a breakthrough.
Its time to heal and heal the wounds from things that have been tieing you down to pursue your potential ..look into the patterns of your relationship and tap into the core concerns you may have through out your life..to work on it to let it go now with ease.
DONT RUSH INTO A RELATIONSHIP ...YOUR HURTING YOURSELF AND THE OTHER PERSON ..JUST BECAUSE YOU DID NOT TAKE TIME OUT TO WORK ON YOURSELF...
YOU HAVE THE POWER TO SAVE OR END TWO LIVES. PLEASE BE RESPONSIBLE IN LOVE.
5. LOVE / COMMITMENT
At its core, love is a decision to be committed to another person. It is far more than a fleeting emotion as portrayed on television, the big screen, and romance novels. Feelings come and go, but a true decision to be committed lasts forever—and that is what defines healthy relationship.
You dont simple tune in and tune out .. stay or leave ...Love with no commitment is just a unrealistic approach and fantasy that may not last for long
Relationship is a decision to be committed through the ups and the downs, the good and the bad. When things are going well, commitment is easy. But true love is displayed by remaining committed even through the trials of life.
Since living a life in a transition the word commitment has been a process we lived through out our life in different dimension like to stay committed to our identity to stay committed towards our transition and surgeries this commitments has been way far the same for a TransMan or a TransWomen in a transition.
It wasn't easy for you or your partner in transition but once you make a choice you both together can stay true and committed to each other and then be a supporting Love factor to help each other progress together.
Connection can be enjoyed in many types of relationships; thus, the desire to marry must be based on something more than simple connection. I believe that something is commitment.
It seems to me that commitment is the act of choosing a partner for life and, with that act, implying unconditional acceptance of the person—flaws and all.
If your went through a break up or break ups dont compare the new partner with what is gone ...know them for who they are if they choose to keep your relationship a secret and choose not to introduce you to their family and friends than that a trap ...this person is going to waste your valuable time and shall never truly commit to the relationship in the long run its a scam. Save yourself please walk out respectfully.
If kids are on your mind and your partner wish to not have any or adopt any in the future than simple this relationship will not run its phase in the long run so make sure your aware of what your partner wants.
Most importantly make a list of things that will get you the clarity of things that you are currently looking for .. long term, long distance, hook ups, causal dating, no commitments or no marriage etc, no kids , no family, no in laws etc.
And make sure you communicate this out to your new interest in the very beginning..
please note : clarity of your mind can save you and the another from a hurtful break up.
6. HONESTY, TRUST AND RESPECT
Honesty and trust becomes the foundation for everything in a successful relationship. But unlike most of the other essentials on this list, trust takes time. You can become selfless, committed, or patient in a moment, but trust always takes time. Trust is only built after weeks, months, and years of being who you say you are and doing what you say you’ll do. It takes time, so start now—and if you need to rebuild trust in your relationship, you’ll need to work even harder.Stay focus.
Also please dont let your past hurts and trust issue hamper what can be an amazing new adventure know that you and your partner both had some immense hurtful experiences during their transition and were equally hurt and betrayed by people they trusted.
Giving, even giving from the heart, doesn’t mean much if we don’t respect our partner. Respect comes from a deep understanding of our significant other, of their thoughts, reactions, opinions, values, and attitudes. Respect for who our partner is may cause us to look forward to their homecoming each night, make it unlikely we feel bored in their company. Our understanding of who our partner is as a person, and our respect for the qualities that make up our partner, often leads to the growth of admiration. This, in turn, may contribute to the feelings of pleasure we experience in our partner’s company.
Respect also might grow when the relationship, or either individual in it, faces a challenge. When a relationship is troubled, when one or both partners have lost their respect for the other due to mistakes, choices they’ve made, or other issues, watching a partner withstand trials, make different choices, and repair their share of the damage can lead to the growth of new respect. This newfound respect may in fact become the soil in which the seeds of love are replanted, even when it seems a relationship is over.
I believe that when there is a solid mutual connection, commitment, giving, and respect, the trust partners have for each other cannot be broken. There would be no reason behind breaking trust.
It is my belief and experience that, for betrayal to occur, there has to be a weak link somewhere. When one partner discovers the other partner is having an affair, for example, it is generally the case that earlier warning signs were missed. You let go of the red flags. Never miss out on the red flags ...ask if you may doudt do not assume or conclude simple keep a clear communication.
To rebuild a sense of trust when it has been lost, the connection between partners must be reestablished. To facilitate this, both partners must understand their role in the breakdown of the connection. (Both partners have typically contributed in some way to the breakdown of the connection, even if only by not drawing attention to the fact that the relationship was in danger.) This process of understanding, which requires honesty and soul-searching, is unlikely to be quick or simple.
Partners must both be honest with themselves and with each other and make appropriate, heartfelt apologies. Open, vulnerable honesty is not only an essential part of the healing process, it is also a necessity for what I have found to be the most important element of a relationship or marriage—intimacy.
7. CAREER / MONEY / STABILITY
I have noticed people who are trying to date or get into a relationship would simple ask were the other person is working ?
But would never go further asking the more stable question of how do they plan to pursue their future ? their career ? their finances ? their home situation ? etc.
Simple reason being the partners presence in the initial month of the relationship is good enough were is the relations leading in the long run is basically never a thought till the relationship reaches a reality check point usually 6 to 8 months after starting a relationship . people would ask their partner what their future holds and looks like ? ..
Well its easy to judge them based on their answer but before you could strike them with this question ask yourself.
Were do you see yourself from now to 1 year from now. ? do you see your self in your dream job or business ? do you see yourself achieving your goals and your dream checklist ?
or do you see yourself hooked up to this new partner and progressing no were ?
You do you too...to extend love , happiness , joy and your money you need to make sure your in an excellent health , wealth and stable enough before you could extend or expect the same from your partner.
Dating or a long term relationship doesn't stop you from receiving the monthly bills you will still have bills to pay while your in a relationship you still have your surgery cost, electricity bills, personal expenses etc ...
you need to be in a better financial place for yourself to extend the same to your partner. Of course focusing and discussing your goals with your Trans partner will help and you both can make realistic choices together ...instead of taking up a mortgage for buying a 4 bedroom mansion . you can choose to spend the same on your surgeries , a vacation or activities that you both will enjoy as couples.
Please BE practical in Love. The Reality check can make or break a good relationship if your not stable enough to manage all your resources you may end a real good long term relationship.
Sadly Marriages in most countries fail because of unstable income and the accumulated stress that can break a healthy relationship.
Most Important the reason for failed relationship and failed set of clarity
I am sharing you this set of question that you need to ask yourself first...
Please Note : this is not a dating app questions they dont come with options so please be clear on what you want for yourself first.
take time and be true to yourself.
Secondly ask this same question to your current boyfriend or girlfriend .. note their answered while you speak.
if they match your expectation you found your candy . if they don't match your answer well than there is plenty of fish in the pond you will find someone later who will match you ...don't compromise or settle for less ...
Do not waste your time on something that can never be yours ... you deserve better you deserve your dreams to come true.
1) Do you want children ?
when do you want children ?
how do you plan to have them ?
eg : adoption or surrogacy or our own
2) What year do you plan to get married ?
3) When will I meet your parent and close friends ?
4) What are your financial goals ?
5) Would you like to travel the world ?
6) How much alone time do you need ?
7) What's your biggest fear ?
8) What does marriage mean to you ?
9) Were will we stay if we ever get married ?
10) How do we deal with our in-laws ?
11) What does intimacy mean to you ?