This Blog is to express my condolences to everyone who may have lost their special someone. Grand parents, parents , close friends, pets or any loved once.
I still don't know how to deal with my fathers loss but I know how to not grief anymore.
Sometimes holding too tight to hug and hold can suffocate the other person. Letting them go might be the only choice to set each other free.
It though me What to expect and what not to expect from my life? I hope my story can find you the courage to hold on to their memories, yet cut the cords and set them free on their path after life.
I was 13 when my father passed away.
In 1988, When I was born my father decided to take an early retirement and come back home to India from Qatar and start his own business. He was creative had a load of Ideas but had no guidance on how to go about it. He choose to follow his passion of farming and bought a huge land and started cultivating grains , hired a few local staff and managed it pretty well until Just after 3 Years he got his first paralysis stroke. He kept the land for couple of years and eventually sold it.
He than started smaller business like a small poultry farm in our backyard.I think that was bold he explored everything he loved and that my father had the guts to carry on a Business Post his stroke. I could feel his independence as he smiled. He Made a little handful but having a ownership on his life was inspiring all his kids.
When i was just 4 year old and could get into my sences.he had lost his capacity to speak because of his first stroke. He would fumble few words which were hard to understand. I was never able to hear my fathers voice clearly. I kept looking for a tape that my family said had his last speech filmed during his farewell party in Qatar . Unfortunately I could never find it.
Everything I know about my father is everything I was told from my family and close relatives. All I would get from them is that you look like your father,you talk like him,you act like him and have the same anger and trust issues.
The people around would always say your father was a gentlemen and most humble person . Sadly i could not witness it myself but I could remember few times he was really a gem. i realized it later in my teens but until and after which I could only have very less time with him.
I finally got to a place to were i felt the deep connection and bond with my father without having to utter or understand a single word but it was too late than it was his time to leave us and go forever.
The irony of life , we realize the worth of someone in our life only when the person passes away or only once they leave.
I realized in his past his anger issue and insecurities were a part of his childhood and somewhere he had no tools to heal them and addiction to alcohol was his temporary escape which cause a lot of permanent damage on our childhood.
If you have kids or choose to start a family someday . Please I request you heal yourself. Heal your childhood. You know how difficult it was for you . You got to end those patterns not just for you but for your future self too.
The song is ended, but the melody lingers on.”
I found it challenging to come to terms with his death. I was already in my teen and was in a place were i had started questioning my gender identity. My family was already in deep grief. I had no clue, who to open up with and what to say. As i had no idea on what my dysphoria is named. Plus it was not my time and I didn't wanted to make it about me. So for years I kept most of my feelings tugged deep inside me.
I finally wanted him to be alive at a time in my life when I was feeling my lowest.
When he passed away, I grieved silently. Because I had no choice to express my dysphoria and my grief of loosing him with anyone.
No one to be blamed here. I wished I could say my family and close friends could help me then but I believe they all were dealing with their own lifes. Sometimes its not that people don't care for you or are ignoring you. Sometime they are dealing with their own hustle and their availability might not always be there. and Its Ok
The Truth is They can feel you, not heal you.
When we grief we are in their on our own and when we heal we will heal on our own.
It was overwhelming because it was all happening at the same time. I was already named as a tomboy and I was already dealing with some social embarrassment.
I had so many reasons to end my life. But I am glad I didn't . I think that's in my genes I got it from my father to "Never give up ".
no matter what your situation is "Never give up"
One more thing about loosing someone is that you tend to lean towards substance abuse like alcohol, drugs, smoking etc. it may be a way for you to heal but believe me its temporary and does a lot more harm than any other thing.
Plus you become a part of a group who are in a low vibration too that you choose to be there because their feelings or depression, loneliness etc. are more of the same as yours. But neither helping each other.
Another thing is You may end up looking happiness outward that may cause a lot of trouble, trauma and guilt.
You may consider becoming a people pleaser too to make it a choice to spread happiness outwards and receive acceptance and empathy from others and that too shall not last for long.
So what do you do to avoid such situation WEEP.
YES WEEP. when you loose someone cry out loud, and let it all release because since childhood we were always ask to stop crying and to be strong and all the BS .
Cry if you have to being sensitive is the most beautiful gift human are blessed to be born with . Don't kill your sensitive side and suppress all that you can be.
don't suppress all that needs to be released.
And if people around you ask you to stop crying know that they are unfortunate to tap into their emotional side. Feeling every emotion is so beautiful it makes you witness the true grace.
Don't get comfortable there, you got to express and release. and one day when you feel okay.
Release and let go of the pain and Start a new life again.
As I got dragged back into the mundane life I, realized that there were two things that I couldn’t come to terms with my father passing.
The first was, that to me, he represented values like honesty, courage, resilience, hard work, kindness, compassion. I always thought that those values were timeless.But with his death, I felt those values got cremated with him. I grieved for those values because I too hold on them very dearly.
The second reason I grieved was because I felt that life didn’t allow him to sit back relax and have fun, not have a care in the world, and spend more time doing the things he loved. He Left us when he was only 50. He could have lived a long life.
But as I pondered and reflected more on what it meant, I realized in his passing, in many ways, he handed those values to me as a legacy to carry forward so that I can use it in my life.
I realized that his death also taught me not to wait for retirement or the future to live my life doing the things I love and want to do. Life is way too precious and short for that. We will never know when our time will come, so we must use our time on earth, doing the things we love.
With that, I realized the person we love or respect never leaves us. They always remain with us in spirit, through memories, in the legacies, lessons, and values they leave behind, just like Daddy did for me.
What legacy or lesson has your loved one left for you?
They must have indeed left something behind. They leave it so that you can carry forward the excellent work they started. It takes time, patience, and courage to see that, and it might be hard when you’re deeply enmeshed in grief. Feel everything you need to feel first, then ask yourself:
What was important to them? What values did they uphold? What did you admire about how they lived, and how can you embody this in your own life? What can you learn from their choices—the ones they made and the ones they didn’t?
Grief is just love with nowhere to go.
So when you’re ready, put all that love into honouring the message they’d want to leave behind.
As I reflect on what my father would have wanted to leave me, I realize it was to live my best life possible. I am ready to go ahead with his teachings !
What about you? are you willing to set them free now ?
Please set them free and release the need to grief.
Its your time to heal.